Red flags

I used to only snore loud as hell when I was deadass tired.

Now I even wake up to my own snoring. It makes sense tho, I'm tired all day every day. I used to think that I was tired, but my tiredness now is on a whole damn other level. Now it's common for me to fall asleep when I'm commuting. That's why it's not always safe.

There are moments where I'm heavy/deep asleep, to the point that I'm not aware of my surroundings.

Someone could rob or harm me, without me noticing because I'm that tired. It's a miracle how I always wake up at the right moment when I've arrived at my stop. That's why I'm also grateful for my classmate. He always checks in on me to see if I'm still there or makes sure I get home safely by commuting together.

Last week was a bad week. I haven't slept for a few days, maybe an hour or so per day. The walk from my school to the station is just across the street, maybe 50 meters? I was doing fine when I walked out of the building, but when I almost crossed the street, things went to shit real quick. My vision became blurry, I felt a stabbing sensation in my head and I almost passed out. No one was with me. I thought I was smart. I thought that if I got to the station as quickly as possible, I would be home sooner so I could lie down. Luckily I didn't pass out until I sat down in the metro. The minute my ass sat down, my whole body shut down. I was deep asleep the whole ride. The only moment I woke up was when I already arrived at my stop.

Another red flag is moments where I think I see something, but don't actually see anything. Sometimes I think "something" is there, but it's just a shadow. A shadow or flickering of the light/sun. I know I should talk about it with my neuroloog. I know I should but I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know how to talk about it. There are too many unknown factors if this is an early warning of something bad. I'm scared of a relapse. Scared that I'll get sick again and that I won't remember anything at all this time.

Scared that I won't recover like last time and will lose the little that I have left of the original me. That I'll need to reinvent myself again. I would start from scratch again. Everything I've worked so far to restore would be gone. There's also a fear that I won't be able to conceive children because I won't have any ovaries left. Maybe I'm a bit of a hypocrite because I don't want to give birth to a child. I'm not ruling it out tho, but I don't feel the urge for it. I'm scared that I'll give up on life. I'll give up and end it all because my hormones have gone haywire. Cos this time I will have to adjust to not having any ovaries left. I'm scared that I'll get scared. Too scared to do something about it and lose my drive.