Fuckboi tendencies

Previous events got me thinking. Again.

So a colleague of mine made a joke not that long ago that my friendliness could be seen as fuckboi tendencies. Now I never cover up the fact that I had a hoe phase where I tried to fill an emptiness with sex. Right now I'm at it again. It's gotten to the point where I don't even know her name and almost lose control over my actions. It's like I've only got one goal in my mind and it's their pleasure. I don't want to be touched myself, I only want to conquer and forget.

I am using people and I don't like it. I don't like the person I'm becoming and yet.. yet I can't seem to stop. I know I need to stop before things get out of control. Nobody knows but I've been remembering things I don't want to remember. Lately, I've been feeling unsafe because my mind keeps going back to the day I was held hostage. I've also been remembering the abuse from when I was younger. Each time I'm remembering their hands or the way they stared I either reach for the bottle or a warm body. The voice in my head that says to harm myself is still quiet. Today I grated my hand by accident when I was reaching for a spatula. I'm not gonna lie, it felt good. Seeing myself bleed made me calm but also alert at the same time. I was aware that my hand wanted to go back and harm myself some more, but something stopped me. I thought about how to cover it up cos it will be visible on my fingers. For a split second, my eyes went to the knives, but I couldn't see myself using them on myself. I could see myself cutting myself on glass or slitting my wrist.

Sometimes I wonder why I got a new lease on my life. I'm getting tired again. I'm tired but not tired of life.. yet. I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with my head. Perhaps there's a chemical missing in my brain? Am I depressed? Do I need pills? Despite highly functioning at my lowest lows, I've been seeing some cracks in my charade.