The woman who named my demon

I had an episode today. Episode... Such a weird word if I think about it. 

Makes me think about binging a tv show. Which then makes me think about watching an episode over and over again, as if I'm stuck in a loop. Stuck in limbo. It kinda felt like that today. I just saw her name, the woman who named my "demon". My mother went to an old friend of hers, an aunt who I hold dearly and knows me my whole life. My mother casually messaged me to ask me if I wanted to come after and eat something, the only ones left were my aunt, my mother and the woman he named my demon. After I read her name, my brain spiraled. I went right in that rabbit hole. I was sad, cos I remembered the pain. The anger too, the anger towards my mother for still being in contact with her. At the same time I'm angry at myself too. I still let them get to me. Because of them, I refuse to go to certain events, which prevent me to see my people. Today was my aunt's event, she's giving people pedicures away for her starting business. I would love to support her, but I refuse to be in the same room as the woman who named my demon. 

I'm scared for the aftermath. I still feel anxious. Funny thing is I wrote an essay about PTSD. I described it as if you're watching a tv, but you just can't seem to get the right frequency. The tv is stuck on that snowy channel, you might see a glimpse of a memory here and there but you'll never see the full image. What triggers these "episodes" can vary. It depends on the person. For some it can be loud noises, like a door slamming shut or screaming people. For me it's when I hear certain voices pray, when I see or hear the people who abused me (in) directly taking. Sometimes it's like I can't turn off my tv. It keeps repeating itself over and over. I'm glad that the days where I wake up screaming on a daily basis are over. They are still there, but not that frequent. Right now insomnia is back. Sometimes I keep thinking about past events, about the abuse or lost memories. It doesn't matter which one it is, it always ends up in me waking up and feeling a loss or hurt. 

The danger of these episodes is the hyperventilating when I'm having a panic attack. Because of my asthma, this could have a lethal ending for me. I guess this is partially why I'm afraid to fully give in/confront my feelings. Cos most of the times I'm alone when I get a random episode/panic attack. Just like today I couldn't see it coming. I could feel it building up tho. I felt my throat closing up, felt the tears coming and the beating of my heart. Everything around me was all of the sudden eerily quiet. Ya know the calm for the storm? I couldn't figure out if it was the calm for the storm or if I was in the eye of the storm. All I knew is I had to shove down all my emotions so I won't spiral. 

I tried messaging my friends. To not alarm them I asked to call them. Its not common for me to ask to call but I didn't give them an explanation to worry them. The response came too late and the panic came anyways. I held it off but I can still feel it simmering inside me. I'm scared for tomorrow. I'm scared to go to work. I have this image in my head where the panic takes ahold of me and where I'll hide under my desk. Holding on to dear life while I sit on the floor with my knees against my face, rocking back and forth. I ask my friend to block the view with her body so I can get a false sense of privacy. 

Small update

Currently crying myself to sleep.

That's all. 

Don't know where the tears come from,

All I know is I can't stop crying