Wishlist

My birthday's coming up and a couple of people are asking me what I want for my birthday.

My wishlist last year was to have my health, memories and some parts of my old life back. But most of all I wanted acceptance and validation. To be seen as a person with their own feelings and thoughts. Sadly that's still not the case. I know there will always be a part that my parents won't accept and don't take seriously. I've been noticing lately that my mother can joke about it, but in the back of my mind I'm always wondering if she means it. Like last time, she was joking about a sugar daddy. She told me maybe I'll find a sugar daddy or a sugar mommy who will support me. She'll always add a woman in the mix after the male part. Then again I'm wondering: can she really see me somewhere in the future with a woman? Or is it just a fleeting thought, because her first thought is to imagine me with a man? 

I've come to terms with the fact that they'll never accept me if I say that I don't "feel" like a woman or a man. That's okay. I know I can't change that fact, but I'm at peace cos as far as I know there's no scary prayer or ritual to be held to cure me. It's not as visible as me being in a relationship with a woman. Me identifying as non-binary isn't that visible as being gay. Because I've always worn boy clothes, ever since elementary school. So we good on that part, no changes there. But seeing me holding hands, or probably even worse to the point that they'll faint, kiss a woman? That's a whole nother ballgame. I noticed the behaviour from the prayer people at the funeral of my aunty. A close friend of mine came to support me. We were close by almost the whole day, holding hands and hugging eachother. I saw the way they looked at me. I was worried for her, but luckily nothing happened. Some of them even came to me and offered me their condolences. Surely there were stares from other people too, wondering who she was. Heck, even my sister asked me who she was because she recognized her from somewhere but she didn't remember from where. Thinking back it was kinda funny to see how the negative people didn't even bother to approach me and I'm fine with that. It reminded me of something that my mother said to me a few days ago. People with bad intentions don't bother to spend time with me/approach me anymore. And you know what? Good. Good riddance. Keep your mala influencia.

Anywho back to the birthday wishlist. Ever since I was 15ish I wanted to get a tattoo. Although I don't remember when I did a stick and poke on myself (maybe around 13/15), I always look fondly at my blurry lines on my wrist because it reminds me of a time when I was struggling with my mental health and somehow survived it. I'll probably get the tattoos that I drew when I was hospitalized and a few others. I know that my parents won't accept this part of me either, but so be it. My body my choice. By now i should've already combusted and caught up in the flames if we're counting all the rules that I've broken according to them.