I remember

I remember and it fucking hurts.

I remember you watching me on the cold floor. You came in to hang your coat but you didn't help me when I cried out for help. I pleaded for you to help me to get out, but you just watched me. You watched me and walked away. I trusted you and you didn't help me.

I still don't like the person I'm becoming. My mother just texted me that she gave some snacks of mine to her and said it was from me. Fuck that. I want to text back and say I don't want anything to do with it. You can give my snacks away, but don't say it's from me. If it was up to me I would've given it if she wanted to recover, but not say it's especially from me. Sometimes this darkness in me scares me. I almost thought maybe it was karma. In time of need she didn't do dick, so that's why she's in the hospital now. But I know I don't mean that. All I know is that right now, she doesn't exist for me. I couldn't give a crap that she's in the hospital right now. Did she give a crap when I cried my eyes out asking for help? Did she do anything when I sat on the cold floor for a few hours? No, she just saw the "lady" that was possessed.

You know what fuck it. This is where I draw the line. Imma text my mother back and say:

In het vervolg hoef je niet te zeggen dat het van mij is, zeg maar dat je lekkers hebt gekregen uit Suriname en dat je nog over had. 

Should I also add that she can give away all my snacks, but when it comes to these people I don't want them to know it was mine to begin with? 'Cos in a way they've stolen enough pieces of me. They've stolen it and in exchange, they gave me even more sleepless nights, anxiety, trust issues and caused me to lose my faith. Faith in people and religion.

Also, my mother also doesn't want anything to do with my friends, so why the hell should I even bother with her so-called friends? I don't want to stoop low like her, but I don't want them in my life anymore. I don't even eat the food they give me anymore. Watching the things come in my parents house and hearing they've sent it, especially for me? Fuck it. I'll throw it in the trash. I'll throw it in the trash or give it to a homeless person, all I know is that food won't enter my body. I know these people were "good" to me in the past cos I fell in line. But after what happened last year? They've broken me beyond the point that I know how to repair it. It annoys me that my mother acts as if nothing happened and that things can go back to the way it used to be. It can't. It can't cos I remember now. I got a mind of my own and won't listen to your propaganda. This is my life, my body, my choice.

But then again there's this voice in my head that says don't. You're not like them. What good is it to treat them this way? They were good to you. Once. Don't forget the good times. The times you laughed together at 3 am when you were eating together during Ramadan. The time when you all slept on the floor and watched a show together on a crappy lil phone screen late at night. Or when your father went to Mekka and they hugged your mother, telling her everything will be okay. There's a part of me that doesn't want to give negative energy back. I know they will never accept me for the person that I am and I have to learn to accept that. I need to accept it and not turn it into negative energy. The best way I know how to do that now is to cut them out of my life. They're my parents people, not mine. I'll be polite and say hi back, but I won't let you in anymore. I deserve better.