I don't like the person I'm becoming.

Fuck you, and you, and you

I hate your friends and they hate me too

I'm through, I'm through, I'm through

Especially the moments when I think about you. Just hearing your name or seeing your face makes me feel sad and disappointed. I regret the day I let you in and was warming up to you. I regret telling you my secrets and slowly letting you know the real me. I wish I could wipe the memories and moments away cos you've hurt me bad. I wish I wasn't this weak. This may be my black and white thinking tho, something I inherited from my father, his harshness. You think father is harsh? You ain't seen nothing yet. At this point I'm leaning towards pretending you don't even exist anymore. 

I'm still not over it. Only now I'm not mad but just sad, frustrated and disappointed. I'm grateful for the things you did for me in the past but I'm not happy the way you left things. It was foolish of me to believe your kind words. Foolish to believe in your empty promises. Cos at the end of the day I'm still alone and you don't check in anymore. Then again, I don't either. Why should I? I feel like you don't even care, that for now I'm someone else's problem. Cos I felt abandoned. Again. For the few months that we've spent together I was somewhat happy and indefinitely grateful. I'm grateful for the things you've done during that period. So thank you. Thank you for taking care at me at that time. In the back of my mind there was always that nagging voice that said

you're here now, but for how long?

For how long will I have you and will I get to depend on you? For how long until I'll be written off as an afterthought 

Guess I got my answer now. No aftercare for me, just let me lose out in the wild. Survival of the fittest. You just cut me loose cos I'm smart and strong enough to figure it out myself right? Now that I'm slowly getting my strength back. Especially now since I'm living at my parents again and everything is all rainbows, unicorns and sunshine. Since that's a stable and healthy environment for me to live in. More like HELLty. The anxiety attacks and nightmares may not be as frequent, but they're still there. You know what? Fuck you and your naitivity. I know you're sometimes gullible, but you're not that stupid right? Or maybe I'm the gullible one. Stupid for trusting you and letting you in. Stupid for believing I was safe. Stupid for letting this thing weigh down on me, even though not everything is bad right now in my life.

Sometimes it's just hard. Hard hearing your name cos it brings me a feeling of resentment. Resentment, sadness and disappointment. I wish I could turn my feelings off and shove them away. Maybe it's all a part of growing up or should I say growing pains? Growing up to learn that people ain't shit. People ain't shit, even the ones who were almost part of your inner circle. Guess everything has a reason right? Guess that's the reason you never was fully in my inner circle and definitely won't ever will be now. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Fool me thrice? I'll be damn sure to never get to strike three. Three and you're out. I don't even care that you're family. You'll be a waste of space to me. Not that I was personally invited anyways or being kept in the loop but please don't extend the invite to me anymore. And no, this isn't a suggestion to reach out to me. Just keep lurking in the baclground. Stay right there and I'll stay here on my own island. We may be crossing paths at family functions. I'll be polite but that's all. Please don't ask me dick. Just a quick hello and goodbye, have a nice life 👋